Jun 2022 - Imposter Syndrome
Hi friends,
Welcome to my 6th monthly email, in this segment called “Michael’s Monthly Musings”. If you missed my earlier monthly newsletters, please refer here.
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Can't believe another month has already past! Again I wanted to share about something this month that has been on my mind...
🧑🏫 The half way point now for 2022
It only occurred to me now that we are already past the halfway point for 2022, now that we're in July. Time flies... Very soon I'll need to get onto doing my tax return but for now, that's a problem for another day!
🗣 Nobody really knows what they're doing...
This was a conversation I had with a close friend recently last month. This idea that we all project an image that we want society to have of us. I myself have many times been a culprit of this. Typically it comes from societal expectations, but I know for myself I have myself to blame for a big chunk of this.
These days, the impact of social media has led us to portray our best selves. I'm not really a power user of Instagram by any means, but it's clear I set up expectations to the public about myself, based on the very surface level bio I have of myself in my Instagram for example (some people have been telling me I need to gain more followers via Insta to get newsletter subscribers is my weak defence for why I have this bio to look credible).
Ugh, some days I think I need to change this... It's kinda cringe. The point is, I think Instagram is a great example of people showing their best versions of themselves online. It's "curated content" in that sense. Not just curated by the algorithm, but curated by the content creator themselves to ensure the best version of themselves (with the best posts, pictures, videos, etc) is brought to light.
I cannot say for others, but for myself, I honestly many times do not know what I am doing. There are many days I wonder why out of all people, I am advising 2 young principals at times with the running of Sydney Science College, Sydney's 1st STEM private high school. There are times I don't know why my friends at Atlas Academia come to me as if there is some wisdom in my head on connecting with different people in the education space.
Even in my work, I probably would not be the first to admit this, but to say I honestly at times do not know where to allocate capital given the current looming recession we are seeing in a higher inflation, higher rate world within my sector of US/EU software and internet names. There are times I forget why I read the Bible or go to church. The list goes on for me, and I wonder, do any of my readers feel this way too? Just what the hell are we doing most of the time?
💪 How I see imposter syndrome
A bit of a tangential point now, but the feeling of "imposter syndrome" is often what people will describe when they say they don't feel like they know anything. Imposter syndrome in my mind, is that feeling you get when you don't know why you're in a particular role, or you think eventually someone will find out you're just a person who just fluked their way in (hence the meme above).
"I’m looking at things to invest in and was wondering if you had any tips?"
That's a common one I get (or variants of that question). I have opinions, but they're merely that... Just opinions. I have no idea what the future holds, anymore than the guy/girl next to me does.
Teaching others or sharing your thoughts (as the supposed expert) can sometimes feel like that. I suppose though, often what is obvious to us, can be amazing to others. There's a blog I recall that was flagged by Ali Abdaal here about this idea a while back, from a guy called Derek Sivers in his book "Hell Yea, or No": https://sive.rs/obviousMaybe. Maybe this is the curse of knowledge.
A lot of productivity gurus will make videos/books explaining how to be confident in yourself and fight imposter syndrome. I don't have any issues with that. I think to a degree that's important. But as a Christian, I suppose my view of this is more the idea that my skills are all God given. They are not my own. The only reason why I can do what I do is because God allows me to.
This is quite counter to much of the secular wisdom that's talked about when it comes to imposter syndrome. Said another way, I "own" my imposter syndrome, and recognise that no matter how much effort or skill I have put into something, it is inconsequential to how much God's will is at play with allowing me to do that thing. Now the temptation is to then think, "oh well, I won't work hard because it's not up to me…" I hope that's not the point I'm trying to come across with. I do my best to work hard, because I have been given these skills by God. I suppose it's really a mindset then.
🧠 A stark reminder of how much of a good thing can become a bad thing
I've seen this issue first hand, where I've tried many times to optimise for the perfect life, and I think many of my readers who know me well, know I spent a whole blog reflecting on that life tracker that I have been know to preach to everybody I meet to achieve this... See here: https://michaelli.io/blog/using-goals-systems-to-approach-2021.
In a lot of ways when I was younger (early UNSW days, ~7 years ago), I tried to combat my "imposter syndrome" by justifying that I have "prepared" for these goals I've had in my life, very far into the future. People were often shocked when I told them I had 25+ year plans for my life. What work I was doing, what serving I would do at church, what hobbies I'd keep, how long I would date until marriage, how many times I'd meet friends during the year, etc.
In fact, I had a mini crisis about this very tracker that used to serve me so well over the last ~7 years. It was strange. For all its beauty, the tracker was simply just that, a tracker. It was never designed to be the perfect model for how to live life. I've definitely fallen into this trap because the more something works, the more you believe it to be true. Warren Buffet (a famous American investor) used to say “chains of habit are too light to be felt, until they are too heavy to be broken”. Sometimes too much of a good thing, becomes a bad thing.
Incidentally, after finishing my CFA exams, that was the first time I genuinely had more free time than my past self that I had known for the last ~7 years. And I felt incredibly awkward about it. Like what next? What am I doing now?
When I think back to my tracker, a fair amount of goals I had set for myself have been met, but I realised there's a lot of selection bias in it. There were so many things that I had forgone to align myself to that tracker over the years. Sometimes it can get depressing thinking about it... That's the cost of being hyper focused on specific goals you set for yourself that you ignore many other events, opportunities, friends, relationships, etc. That was me for the last ~7 years in fact. It's only in hindsight do you realise how big the magnitude of opportunity costs are in one's life with time.
😇 Do not boast about tomorrow
I love this quote from the Bible that my friend reminded me of recently... Especially verse 14 which she flagged explicitly to me.
"Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil. If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them." - James 4:13-17 (NIV)
It reminds me of Carl Sagan's "Pale Blue Dot" speech here: Carl Sagan's Pale Blue Dot OFFICIAL. It really brings into perspective our lives on this earth, are really but a "mist".
Reflecting on this verse in many ways, I think that personal life tracker I had been holding onto so “fixatedly” (is that a word? idk?) for so long, had become my "boasting" instrument. That I was defined by it. That my happiness/sadness was measured by how many goals/milestones I had met/missed. I found it very difficult to admit, given I've been very public about how helpful this tracker has been for me over the years, but I think it has only been more lately, that I've realised it was beginning to work negatively, rather than positively for me.
As my friend rightly pointed out, that is not to say I will completely abandon this tracker. It has served me well, and "just because someone stumbles and loses their way doesn't mean they are lost forever." I took that quote from the latest Dr Strange: Multiverse of Madness movie actually... Such a marvel nerd I know. There will be modifications as to how I approach my tracker going forward, but I want to approach it with a healthier mindset. I want to explore that more in another blog post, but for now, I think the Bible verse above should give you a suggestion as to how I am thinking going forward... Until next time.
Do any of you guys struggle with imposter syndrome? Lemme know via email or comment in my newsletter post below. Would love to hear how you overcame it or whether you're still working through it now!
👍 To conclude for now…
Thanks for reading my ramble if you got this far for my June 2022 thoughts. Please do hit <reply> to this email if you have anything to add / any questions. I quite enjoy replying to comments/emails as a source of procrastination. Please share this email with others if you found it value-adding.
Some people have asked why I do these monthly newsletters, and I tell them that these newsletters should be read as if I was a friend catching up with you in a cafe, trying to update you over the last month on what’s happened to me and my thoughts! Hope that provides more context…
Have a great next month!
Michael
🚀 Some of my favourite memories from June 2022
Got tested COVID positive and finally understood what people meant when they could not smell or taste food. Thankfully fine now and no lingering symptoms.
Got to listen and provide feedback to the final stock pitches at Australian Student Asset Management. Learnt a lot about some new companies that I was less familiar with, like Cochlear and Codan. See here: https://www.linkedin.com/posts/australianstudentsam_as-our-first-pitch-cycle-of-the-year-comes
Had farewell dinner with a close friend of mine (known since UNSW days) who was leaving to Singapore to work. I'll miss her (she's helped me with a lot of my power point designs) and I hope to keep in touch with her.
Got the chance to guest speak at UNSW Investing 4 Charity's T2 trainee analyst induction. Always a great opportunity to witness a new group of students go through the program. I finally deviated from my usual "presentation" deck I had used for the last ~3 years, and decided to share my thoughts on frameworks I had learnt and found helpful for life in the last 25 years of my time here on earth.
Had a local day trip with the girlfriend (ft. random run ins with parents!) on Queen's B'day public holiday, walking and chatting the day away and exploring Rhodes, Wentworth Point and Olympic Park. Found some areas I never knew existed despite living around the area my whole life! 🥰
Got to finally celebrate passing all my CFA exams with my mentor over yumcha in North Sydney!
Started attending Wing Chun school in Town Hall on a weekly basis, on a Friday night after work. Found the students/instructors there very patient and welcoming towards me. I still get whooped in that class every week 😅
Celebrated dad's b'day with a modest Japanese dinner with family in Eastwood's Mikazuki.
Visited friend's church plant in West Ryde. Got to see what some of the City Bible Forum friends I had were up to with the plant! We studied the later chapters of Acts.
Speaking of which, I've been inspired by a mentee I caught up for dinner with, to read the Bible more regularly. I've gone through Ruth, Esther, and Proverbs. Currently finishing off Acts. The aim is to cover the books that I've gotten very rusty on (so I'm not reading in chronological order).
Watched Jurassic World with a close friend. Despite seeing it for the original cast, my friend and I felt somewhat underwhelmed by the plot. Everybody has been telling me instead to watch Top Gun...
Finished Obi Wan Kenobi, and although the first 5 episodes were mediocre, the last episode brought it home for me and I give it an 8/10. I hadn't cried watching a Star Wars film in a while...
Whilst not exactly in June (was 1 July), but since I am writing this newsletter a few days later, I thought I'd give special mention to my church friend who invited me to speak to the ~100 year 11-12 students taking HSC economics/business studies at Chatswood High School on Friday this week (thanks to work for letting me take the morning off to do this!). It was a pleasure speaking to them and sharing my learnings with investing in stocks, trading options, and doing Q&A with these students. 🙌
David (Economics/Business Studies teacher at Chatswood High) and me, before my talk to the ~100 year 11-12 students at Chatswood High.
P.S. Something I've been thinking about more recently, is actually having conversations with different people in different fields and walks of life about what they do and how they find happiness, and then sharing snippets of these conversations I have with my blog/newsletters. This is just a VERY beta idea in my head. Lemme know in DM on FB, or via email if you have any thoughts about this weird idea in my head, or any feedback! Still an early work in progress. 🤔
